The Fifty Shades of Grey movie broke records when it hit theaters last weekend. But I'm betting some of you held off on seeing it opening weekend, taking all the crowds, Valentine's Day atmosphere, and superior looking releases (Kingsmen, anyone?) into consideration. That's because you're smart.
And because you're smart, I'm sure you want to be prepared when you see the movie this weekend. Whether you’re a true-fan or you plan to hate watch it, we’ve crafted this helpful guide to ensure you’ve got the right language down. You certainly don’t want to find yourself in a double crap situation.
And because you're smart, I'm sure you want to be prepared when you see the movie this weekend. Whether you’re a true-fan or you plan to hate watch it, we’ve crafted this helpful guide to ensure you’ve got the right language down. You certainly don’t want to find yourself in a double crap situation.
Double crap.
“I push open the door and stumble through, tripping over my own feet and falling headfirst into the office. Double crap—me and my two left feet!”
For when a singular crap is too tame and a sh*t just won’t do.
Oh, crapola.
Oh, crapola.
“Oh, crapola. Don’t get your panties in such a twist … and give me back mine. I glare at him.”
A close cousin to the double crap.
Oh my.
Oh my.
“I could watch him all day … he’s tall, broad shouldered, and slim, and the way those pants hang from his hips … Oh my.”
To be used in the same way an action movie uses its soundtrack: deploy it at the slightest hint of a plot point in your life. Run out of coffee? Oh my. You forget to call your mom? Oh my! A new episode of Scandal is on? OH MY!
Inner goddess.
Inner goddess.
“My inner goddess is jumping up and down, clapping her hands like a five year old.”
As in, I’m not sure whether my inner goddess is my vagina, some manifestation of my sex drive, an actual person who accompanies me on sexy time outings, or a sign of a mental disorder.
Kinky fuckery.
Kinky fuckery.
“Do you want a regular vanilla relationship with no kinky fuckery at all?”
Ana and Christian might have a specific idea of what kinky fuckery means, but there’s no reason their definition should win. I say we adopt it, change the meaning, and use it in all manner of upsetting situations.
Did the barista mess up your latte? That’s some kinky fuckery right there.
Postcoital glow.
Did the barista mess up your latte? That’s some kinky fuckery right there.
Postcoital glow.
“She hasn’t got a clue, and my inner goddess is still basking in a remnant of postcoital glow.”
I’m taking this as confirmation that her inner goddess is actually a physical person who has become quite sweaty after all the kinkey fuckery.
Laters, baby.
Laters, baby.
“Laters, baby,” he murmurs, and I have to laugh because it’s so unlike him. But even though I know he’s being irreverent, the endearment tugs at something deep inside me.”
Probably the most well-known Fifty Shades catchphrase (and the only one that actually makes it into the movie). It doubles as a farewell and a term of endearment. It’s called efficiency, people.
His length.
His length.
“I move up and down his length.”
A sure fire phrase to make a man feel good about himself, no matter the actual length. Go on, say it. Out loud. Vampire. Wait, sorry. Wrong book.
Related: my sex.
What's your favorite Fifty Shades phrase? Let us know in the comments!
Related: my sex.
What's your favorite Fifty Shades phrase? Let us know in the comments!
By Rachel Lyn Paxton. She read Fifty Shades (and saw the movie). She refuses to be judged for her life choices. You can find her on Twitter @rachpax.
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